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 by: Ron Fritzke

Wed just made it to the top of Mount Shasta (well actually only

as far as the road goes) when the subject of old-school bike

shorts came up. In those days I was still pounding the roads

training for marathons, oblivious to the cyclists tribulations.

My Mount Shasta riding partner was the real hero from

yesteryear.

Hes the guy whod lived through the days of wool bike shorts.

You know...those old wool bike shorts that were washed in cold

water... if you ever wanted to squeeze into them again. Even

with the utmost of care they crept further and further up,

gradually squeezing all the life out of your legs.

Its rumored that the entire Speedo company was founded by a

cyclist who washed his wool bike shorts in hot water.

So what modern improvements do we enjoy in the world of bike

shorts?

An Upgrade In Materials

The most obvious upgrade is also the aspect of modern bike

shorts that makes the newbie most nervous. Namely...Spandex.

Spandex is like those lyrics, "Nowhere To Run and Theres No

Place To Hide".

The Spandex used in bike shorts comes in two thicknesses. You

have eight ounce and you have six ounce. Theres not much of a

difference between the two. Eight ounce Spandex costs a bit more

and is said to squeeze the cyclists massive thighs tighter.

Six Panel vs. Eight Panel

In the bad old days bike shorts were made of inflexible

materials, namely the above mentioned wool fabric. If you

havent noticed, the part of the human anatomy in and around the

unseemly parts is fraught with curves. This isnt

inflexible-fabric-friendly.

After inventing the wheel and harnessing fire, mankinds

greatest minds tackled this problem. Their

solution...multi-paneled bike shorts.

More panels made for more form fitting conformation. If it

werent for the irritation of the seams, we may have seen shorts

that looked like Grandmas most intricate quilt.

Anyway, eight panels was better than six. But now that modern

materials can stretch to the moon and back, this issue isnt as

critical for comfort or function. However its still very

important for prestige.

One piece of Spandex could quite likely cover the middle

sections of two cyclists standing very close together, virtually

eliminating the need for a multitude of panels. However, veteran

cyclists insist on eight panel bike shorts.

Going For Broke

Some bike shorts cost $30 and some cost $275. But what if the

$275 bike shorts are actually cheaper than the cheap ones? Huh?

Heres how you sell your spouse on some $275 Assos bib shorts.

Just remember that the Assos bib shorts last for 18 biking

years (a chronological year times seven) while the $30 dollar

shorts last for one mouse year (a chronological year divided

by seven).

The Assos bib costs a little over $2 a year while the $30 shorts

cost a whopping $210 dollars a year. So you tell me...whod be

foolish enough to buy anything other than the $275 Assos bike

shorts?

Specialized Features

Biking shorts are cut differently than the pants your plumber

favors. The waist is higher in the back and lower in the front.

Since the cyclist spends a lot of time bent over, as does the

plumber, biking shorts preclude a wind vortex from assaulting

the butt crack, even in the fiercest headwind.

A plumbers customers should be so lucky.

Waist strings should be wider than the G string on your guitar

so they dont cut into your gut. Most bike shorts have an

elastic waistband instead of a string. Some, like my Hind

shorts, couldnt decide so they provided an elasticized waist

string. I guess you can have it both ways.

Leg grippers are sticky bands on the inside of the shorts legs.

They serve to thwart your shorts efforts to ride up your leg,

applying more pressure to the groin.

Funky Bib Shorts

Bib shorts (bike shorts with built-in suspenders) keep a

constant upward pull so that the crotch liner is snug against

the nether regions. This is important because bunching or

rubbing of crotch material is a nuisance after a few hours of

riding.

A down side to the bib short is that they make it more difficult

to urinate while riding. Well not while actually riding, but

more accurately when taking a break during a ride. Bib shorts

and non-bib shorts perform equally well with regard to urinating

while riding.

The Chamois Insert

A good argument could be made that the ultimate function of the

bike short is to keep the all-important crotch liner

successfully aligned between the saddle and the rider.

In the past, the liner was usually made of sheep skin. Its main

feature was to protect the rider from all of those seams holding

together the many wool panels. Things have changed.

Today, seams arent as big of a problem and man-made materials

have surpassed the lowly sheepskin.

Each bike shorts manufacturer has developed a liner that

surpasses all others. Its up to you to decide which is most

comfortable for you personally. You can usually make your

decision soon after youve ridden in them long enough to keep

you from returning them for an exchange or refund.

Beware of non-breathable inserts like gel pads. Unnamed experts

claim that if the crotch cant breath, moisture will

build up, resulting in an irritation like a diaper rash.

While I may argue that the crotch doesnt actually inhale and

exhale, they have a valid point.

Be Brave

So get courageous, suck up your gut, arrange yourself carefully,

and pull on your modern, padded, itch-proof bike shorts.

About The Author

Ron Fritzke is a runner converted to cycling. His unique view of

cycling apparel and accessories adds spicy humor to his reviews.

You can read more of his opinionated drivel at http://www.cycling-review.com.

This article may be reprinted in full so long as the resource box and the live links back to http://www.cycling-review.com are included intact. All copyrights reserved.

info@cycling-review.com