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Most of you who read my columns know that I love women. Absolutely love them. To me, women are Gods finest creation, and then some. The most pleasurable and meaningful things Ive ever done in my life involve women, and Im more than proud to admit it. But, even with all the things they have going for them, even with all of their plusses, women do manage to do one thing that drives me absolutely crazy. And then some.To illustrate what Im talking about, imagine a man and a woman at a nice restaurant. Theyre checking out the menu, and are about to order dinner. The waiter comes up to take their order, and proceeds to take the ladys first. After taking it, he asks the man what he would like to order. And from here the conversation goes something like this...Man: Waiter, Ill take the grilled scallops with just a touch of lemon juice on them.Waiter: Yes sir, an excellent choice.Woman (to the man): Gosh honey, I almost ordered that myself. It sure does look good, and I just couldnt decide between the scallops and the Italian chicken. No mind then, I may just eat one or two of yours. You wont mind, will you?ZING! It never fails - I hate it when women do that! Youd never see a guy order something, look over at another guy whos ordered something different, and say, Gosh Ben, you ordered something pretty tasty there. Mind if I try some of it when they bring it out? If you did happen to hear a guy say something like that, hed probably also be discussing interior decorating, window treatments, or worse yet, why Clint Eastwood movies are too violent. Not exactly a mans man, for sure.On the other hand, women are deathly serious when they tell you they want to eat something off your plate. They fully intend, when the foods brought out, to eat whatever they desire. And this drives me crazy for the following two reasons:1. Theres just something inherently unsanitary about something jabbing a fork theyre been eating off of into your food. I mean, just think about it, it cant be a good thing. I can almost visualize hordes of germs pole vaulting off that tainted fork right down into my food. Then, I can see them running around all over my steak, planting little germ country victory flags on it that say, Conquered, in the name of Germobia. Finally, I can almost hear the germs laughing as they jump up on my fork, saying, Well boys, lets deal a little dysentery to our good friend Ed here! 2. If a woman wants your food badly enough to eat some off your plate, why doesnt she just order the item in the first place? Thats never made sense to me - Ive even asked a couple of ladies in the past why they didnt just do that, and I was told, I only want a little, and you should be glad that I want to be close enough to you that I even want to share the food you eat. Well, that sounds romantic and all, but heres how it really works out. If a lady takes something from your plate, eats it, and likes it, shes gonna knock a major hole in your helping. A major hole. The worst thing is, the more she eats, the more shell protest that she just wants a bite or two. Famous last words. Youll end up with a plate with not much food on it, and shell be so full that she falls asleep on you during the trip back home. On the other hand, if she takes something from your plate and doesnt like it, she still leaves behind a small hole in your plate. Then, you have to deal with the fact that your food is cold from all the conversation that has occurred up to this point. Either way, youre out of food, money, and are still hungry afterwards.So ladies, I love yall, but please stay the hell away from my plate. We guys need a few things that we can enjoy alone - stuff like going to the bathroom, ultimate fighting on TV, and the food on our plates. If you ladies will promise not to interfere with these three things, then well gladly promise to stay the meek, hen-pecked, whupped types that yall have come to know and love...

About the Author

Eds new book, Rough As A Cob, can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. Hes also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.